i don't know what i'm doing.

i don't know what to expect.

i want him to come back, so that i can finally get some closure.

i'm tired of seeing him in my dreams,

and of how many times a day thoughts of him race around my head.

i can't figure out how to let myself become unattached.

that last night, when he cried over me.

he doesn't know, but i cried too.

i've cried a lot of times since then. 

because of all of the things i wish were different:

how we met, how we were, his addictions,

my priorities, my emotions, his vulnerability, our passion.
the countless times i laid awake crying.
all of the moments i could have said something different.

so much pain came from him, from us.

yet, like i told you, that little bit of good was so good.

i caught glimpses of the man that i knew, and the one that everyone else knew.

but he was lost, and couldn't seem to find himself.

look at me, talking about him like he's dead.

i'm sorry, casey.

i hope you understand.
i'm trying so hard not to hurt you.