if your 8-year-old self met you today, would they be proud?"

some days i reflect on the decisions that have brought me to the point i'm at today, and try to determine if what i'm doing is what i want. i'm going to be honest and tell you that on some of the days, i couldn't imagine myself anywhere else, doing anything else at this pmyoint in time, and that's alright. the rest of the days, i look at my image in the mirror, and it's not that i'm disappointed, it's that i see unfulfilled potential. potential that is unfulfilled because of those days that i am content. you could say that being comfortable is my greatest downfall. i work hard, and probably too much, but it's work that i know, and that's what keeps me going back every day. 

i have no reason to change my behavioral patterns. i think to myself, "i'll be okay tomorrow", which i usually am. it always returns though, this sense of no direction. even now, at this moment, i'm telling myself that i'll do something with my life.... eventually. 

it's like, i know what i want. but that doesn't mean i know how to get there. my problem is that i want to do it alone. it's like i have to, or i won't be satisfied. to be frank, i probably can and will do it by myself. i wan to look at my life and be able to say, "i earned this." 

currently, i'm struggling to get licensed to sell life insurance. as of today, it's been 3 months and 18 days since i started, and i still can't quite grasp these concepts. my mentor did the same process in less than two weeks. he, however is mid-late 50's, no other job, kids all in school, and really had nothing else to do. the hardest part of the whole thing is that he doesn't understand why it's taking me so long, when there is a list of valid reasons. i have a more-than-full-time job, in which i hold a decent amount of responsibility, i've been sick, i have a social life, i'm not married, i'm 18 (really, when was the last time you met an 18-year-old who sells life insurance policies), the material is 99% new to me, i like to sleep sometimes. he just has been so condescending, and saying that it will be so much easier for me to just quit my job and assume this full-time. YES I GET IT. but it'll be harder for me to get started than him. (really, who wants to buy a life insurance policy from an 18 year old) he doesn't understand that for me, my job is more than just a paycheck. it's being part of a family, it's having peers my age, it's knowing that my time is valuable. YES I'LL GET THAT FROM PRIMERICA, TOO... eventually. 

it's hard because everyone there is at least twice my age. except for philip. but he's still like 25. and this other girl, but she's going to school for this kind of thing. it's hard because i had honestly never heard words like "annuity" or have really understood what an "IRA" is before this. it's hard because i'm not ready to commit so much time to something that feels so irrelevant to my life. it's hard because they all make it seem easy. it's hard because i took my final exam today, and failed it by two points. two. freaking. points. my deadline is the end of the month. if i don't pass it this friday, i have to do the whole process over again. it's hard because i can see that this is my ticket to what i want, but i'm repeatedly unable to reach the first step. 

everything feels so much different than it did when i walked across that stage, and was handed my diploma. more tattoos, more piercings, more money, more time. different friends, different music, different sleeping patterns, different jokes. the people who know me best no longer live a longboard ride away, and i legitimately cry about it often. i feel like i missed out on a lot of amazing memories with you guys. but i love you more than you probably know. i miss you, so much. SO MUCH. 

please don't forget about me, i've become a hard person to stay in touch with.

in response to my title-question:

no. i'd probably revile and detest myself. but i am who i am because that's who i want to be, and i think my 8-year-old self would grow to understand that.. eventually.