1.27.2012
I've lied to you all.
I know I've said over and over again that being adopted has never bothered me a day in my life, but um.
That, simply put, is bull shit.
From the age 7-10, I cried myself to sleep at least 5 nights out of the week, wondering why I had to be given up, why I wasn't good enough to keep. At first, it was because I didn't really understand the nature of the situation. My birth mother got pregnant with me as a young, 16 year old. After finally realizing that she couldn't keep me, the tears were caused by my belief that I.. was just a mistake.
Because I was.
I got over it eventually. Ya know, life happens. Shit happens. The story isn't anything special, just relatively unheard of in our community.
Two kids, young, in love, hormonal, and rebellious, living in this bubble. They got a little carried away.
And then there was me. And then he left. And she was alone. And well, you know, the rest is history.
My dad never tried to keep it a secret from me, and I wonder what my life would have been like if he had.
For a large portion of my life, in my mind I've been an outsider. I've always had this feeling, lurking somewhere in my subconscious, that I didn't belong in this life. That I should have had something different. Something better.
I watched Juno today.
It changed everything.
I do belong here.
This is my life, and this is how it was supposed to happen.
I was never hers.
I've always been my daddy's little girl.
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You & I have a lot in common.
ReplyDeleteI'm turning 18 in march & i have the choice to meet my birth mom & it's been a really stressful decision. I love my family to death, but then there's always the thought of belonging somewhere else. ya know? anyways, if you had any advice for a young lady looking for her place, now would be a swell time to give it.
wow. I think we should have a lunch date and talk about this sometime.
ReplyDeleteI can't choose to meet my mother till I turn 21, and honestly, I don't know if I want to.
I mean, the elephant in the room is that she gave birth to me. And then, she provided me with a better life, making an extremely difficult decision.
I just feel like it would bring back a lot of that for her, the pain, you know? And I don't think it would help my eternal crisis anyway.
But then, there's that overwhelming curiosity.. I've always wanted to know if I look like her, if I sound like her, walk like her.. If she has the same taste in food as me.
On that hand, I feel like I would gain a friend who understood me better than anyone I know now.
Since you have the opportunity to meet her at 18, the only advice I think I can give you, is to wait until after you're done with high school, when you don't have to worry about as much, and can think more clearly about it.
And then pray.
Jesus knows better than anyone what's best for you.
xoxo
okay girl, lets chat soon.
ReplyDeletebecause quite frankly, i'm scared to death.
there's two choices for me and it's either to meet her, or keep her completely out of my life. there's a lot to think about and it would be nice to talk with someone who understands.. ya know?