mostly, i just don't have any idea what it is that i want.

LOL WOW

this time last year, my hair was the darkest it's ever been, and so was my life.

currently, my hair is the lightest it's ever been, and ironically my life is finally falling into place.

yeah, i'm back home. recognize the backdrop?

i'm really just trying to do anything and everything i can to make my life good.

and it is good.

mostly thanks to my darling boyf. 

idk saying boyfriend is weird still.

love you guys.

srsly.

rewind, pause, replay.

the feeling you get when you know you've done something wrong, 

and when you did it, you knew it was wrong, 

and even though it's years later, you're still reaping the punishment. 

regret.

...so this is what you call "home"?

i thought this would be like the return of the prodigal son.

well, i guess in some ways, it has been...

except, there was no celebration, no open arms.

just piles of junk, the way i left them two years ago.

no one notices or cares when i come or when i go, 

and nothing changes after i have left.

i'm trying to understand why i'm here; 

trying to understand why i'm trying to make a difference.

the only thing that has changed is me.

how is that enough to change a whole family.

how is that enough to fix a whole family.

i don't know anything about these people.

knowing how they are is not knowing who they are.

strangers living under the same roof.

i've already lost my head twice.

i don't know how i'm supposed to do this.

"teach by example,

let your light shine,

do good to those who hurt you."

i'm trying.

i really just hope that i can make that house a home.

not just for myself, but for them too.

i can't leave them hanging this time.

"this place is hell."

... i know baby, i know. 

i can't let it be the same for them.

growing up there was hard enough for me.

update:

boyfriend

team iphone

moving home

enlightened

positive

healthy

i'm sorry. 

i hope you know how sorry i am.

i hope you know how alone i feel now.

i hope you know how proud of you i am.

i hope you know that i love you.

and i hope you know that i'm sorry.

 i don't say the things that i say out of self-pity.

i don't express myself to gain favor.

i don't care about your empty compliments.

i don't want to hear that you do care about me,

when all of your actions say otherwise.

no one understands. 

i carry around so much guilt.

guilt that i don't know how to handle.

frustration with myself.

i have never been good enough, 

even where i had the potential to be.

i always give up on myself.

because it's easier to fail from the get-go,

than to try real hard and not succeed.

failure is comfortable.

achievement is not.

hurting people is easy.

being hurt is not.

but tonight, i need you to stay.

i won't cry again today.

shit.

"you inspired me, cami."

"you were taking care of yourself and being responsible and i was homeless and on drugs and was like 'maybe i should do that' sooo i moved away from it all and got my shit together."

a drop in the ocean.

i can barely make myself eat or sleep anymore.

why can't i find the girl he's talking about.